You smell like a Billy Joel song
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
