My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
