How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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