I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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