i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
