You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
