U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
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