I wish I could punch you in the face.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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