he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
