Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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