I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
