the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
