so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
