The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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