my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
