I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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