Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
