i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
