Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
