fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
