At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
