i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
