My sheets look like a crime scene.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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