I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
