btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
