I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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