Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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