shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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