just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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