my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Randomize
