Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
