It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
