Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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