I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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