Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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