i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
