I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
