im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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