the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
