I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
His nipple licking is glorious
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