Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
