phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Bring me that man meat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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