I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
