I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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