im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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