I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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