The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
