We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
