Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
