I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
