we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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