when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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