I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
