WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
