just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
