apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Randomize
