i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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