Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
