When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
