I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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