so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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